Ever had one of those weeks where if it isn’t one thing, it is another? Of course you have!! I think by this point when you read my blog, we are friends. I can share things with you and I can be open and vulnerable. In exchange, I feel like we have or are currently experiencing some of the same things, which makes us “click.”
Well, the past couple of weeks, I have taken a little hiatus from blogging on the regular. I love to write and chat at least once or twice a week, but I have been slightly a hermit for the past two weeks. When things hit the fan, my natural tendency is to shut down and retreat. I want to be alone, I don’t want to talk and I just need time to figure it all out.
Homeschooling has grown increasingly more difficult. I mean, I only homeschool two days a week, the other three, my girls are on campus at their school. I have seen the deterioration of my daughter in school. I see the struggle, I see her drowning and the look of being completely overwhelmed in her eyes. It hurts so bad to watch your child struggle. I try to help and I do everything I can to get her ahead but there is only so much I can do to have her really “get” the material. The school they attend moves at such a fast pace, it is easy to get left in the wind. When we had her tested over the summer, there were numerous learning differences she struggles with. The thought of her changing schools, once she has gotten settled and made friends, makes her very upset. So, what is a parent to do? Literally, what do I do? I have a tutor coming every Wednesday for homeschool to help facilitate, we are in vision therapy to help the processing issues, so I feel like I am at my witts end trying to come up with a solution that works.
I have pondered this question for the past couple of weeks. One minute I think I have it figured out, then a curve ball comes in out of nowhere and I am back at square one. There is a school here in Charlotte that specializes in learning differences. It has been ranked in the top 20 in the US and it seems to (maybe) be the answer….until I saw the pricetag. Steven and I are both self employed as photographers, so trying to swing elementary school that is $25,000 a year is unrealistic for us. I want the best for our daughter (obviously) but I don’t want to have to sell my kidney on the black market to provide her the necessary therapies she needs to thrive educationally. If we lived in a different county then I would consider sending her to public school but not currently in the county we are in. We are considering moving and putting our home on the market at the first of the year….. (just another stress in thinking about my hoarding. haha)
I beat myself up thinking I am not doing a good enough job as a momma or at homeschooling and that is why she struggles. I know these thoughts are ludicrous but the devil has me entertaining them more and more.
So, as of this very second that I type this, our answer is to keep her in her current school until the end of the year. We are going to enlist in additional tutoring and therapies if we need to. We are going to fight this with every being of our body. We are going to work really hard.
When she has her moments of breakdowns (which are happening more and more) she asks me why it is so hard for her and not everyone else. She is feeling like a failure. I was at the school yesterday coaching Girls on The Run and they had an “A Honor Roll” list hanging in the hallway. One of the girls was looking over all the names and looked over at my daughter and asked her why her name wasn’t up there on that list? She kept saying, “everyone else in our class is up there, so why aren’t you?” As I swallowed the lump in my throat it was a great time to teach a lesson about how everyone isn’t the same and not everyone’s spiritual gift is academically. I saw my daughter’s eyes fill with tears and insecurity; a part of me just died inside. Even though that girl meant no harm, it is the little things that hurt and are a daily reminder that she doesn’t meet status quo. I know she tries so hard and she is doing the best she can do and that is all I can ask of her.
I know that she will grow out of this and thrive as an incredibly successful student and adult. There is no doubt in my mind that these struggles prepare you for something really amazing in life; until then I just don’t want her to feel insecure or like a failure.