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i shouldn’t feel this way.

imageI shouldn’t feel like I want to run away and not come back.


See, moms are supposed to be nurturing and loving and kind and gentle. I don’t feel like I am currently any of those things. 99.9% sure I am not.


As a mom, they tell you to cherish every moment because they go by so fast and your kids grow up before your eyes, but how can I do that if I just want to run away?


A mom isn’t supposed to hate their child. A mom shouldn’t have this much resentment and anger towards their child.


I battle with these demons everyday.


One minute we are fine and life is good and then something triggers a flare up and the child I sacrifice every single thing for spits in my face (literally). It is so hard to love someone who constantly hurts you.


But here is the irony of it all. As I sit here, pretending to care about the Superbowl (Panthers aren’t, all I can think of is the frustration I have towards my child right now….but I remember that no matter how angry or how terrible she might treat me, I still love her. I will always love her, a mother’s love is unconditional…just like our Father’s love is for us.


So many times we have basically spit in the face of God, turning our back on him and denying him heart and yet, His love is unconditional. He made the ultimate sacrifice and no matter what we do, he says, “it’s okay, I love you anyway.”


The realization of Christ’s unconditional love hit me hard tonight when I was wallowing in my own self pity of hatred for my own child.


We have had a really tough weekend. I was really praying this antibiotic was going to make some changes in Ellie but I have seen nothing at all and I am feeling a little discouraged. I really want to go outside and stomp and scream and throw a fit like a two year old demanding candy in the grocery store. Instead, I stay inside with knots in my stomach, tears in my eyes and a little bit of hope in my heart that tomorrow when she wakes up, it will be a good day.


I guess i just want to tell you that parenting isn’t easy. Whether you have a child that struggles or not, it is no walk in the park, but you shouldn’t feel alone. If you have ever just wanted to run away or play a really long version of hide and seek, you are not alone. If you have ever thought to yourself, surely I shouldn’t have these feelings towards my own child, you are not alone. If you have ever screamed and yelled to the top of your lungs at your child because you are so completely depleted and defeated, you are not alone. If you have ever questioned Christs’ love for you because some really bad crap is happening, you are not alone.


To all my momma friends, I am on the crazy train with you, you aren’t alone. Really sucky things happen but that doesn’t mean Christ is punishing us or we have done anything wrong. Sometimes in order for God to use us for His goodness, he needs us to endure some really hard times. I tell myself all the time that God gives his biggest battles to his toughest warriors. Well, I should win the Crossfit Games at this rate of toughness 😉 but I know that God is using what we are going through (and all the other hard stuff in my past) for His good. He gave me a voice to share our story and experiences to help others. He also gave us grapes to ferment for wine…I’m just saying, it is no coincidence.


Stay strong momma.


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  • February 7, 2017 - 3:01 pm

    Lauren Villani - I feel your pain. I feel your sacrifice. I feel the hurt. I feel the hate rise up at times and I keep thinking how terrible of a mother I must be because I can’t stand my child at times no matter how much I love him. My son has ADHD with Oppositional Defiance. He has roller coaster emotions like his mama and very little if any self-regulation or impulse control. When he flies off the deep end I feel defeated and lost and tired and full of blame. The first time he told me he hated me and didn’t want to be a part of our family at 5 years old…that he should just die…my heart broke.

    He is almost 10 and its a 1 day at a time. We have good weeks and bad weeks, but I just wanted you to know…I feel you.ReplyCancel

  • April 11, 2017 - 2:01 am

    Claire Garstka-Calhoun - Oh you speak my heart. Today was another day to replace Sam’s tubes and I am praying for my old son to wake up in the morning. Our worlds get rocked but God never said it would be easy.ReplyCancel

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